No Regrets

Regrets, I've had a few

But then again, too few to mention

 

Those lines are from a song by Frank Sinatra entitled 'My Way.' This song came to mind when my friends, Jesica and Aulia, ask me, 'Do you have any regrets in life?' They are my high school friends and have settled down in Indonesia. We had a video call for a catch-up. They are married, with one baby, and so, shared their baby stories. I was a good listener and spectator since I could not relate to anything they said. As for me, I shared with them my carefree single life abroad (haha). They said that I am very fortunate to have a rewarding life. Then, that 'regret' question came up. Thinking back …

 

I was a well-brought-up young woman. In my childhood, my parents disciplined me to have good character traits, so that I could be successful in life. After school, I would have a nap at home and go for a swimming lesson or an organ music class afterward. Homework from school would always get done before bed. If I was too tired, I would wake up early the next day to do the homework. I did the school test, either mid-term or final test, without fail. I was persistently in the top 5 of my class and the top 10 of my school. I joined district swimming competition for front crawl, breaststroke, butterfly stroke, and backstroke. I was not always the first, but I brought back a medal at the very least. In organ music competitions, I got either 2nd or 3rd place. Gifted and Talented. Everyone thought highly of me. I was the apple of my parents' eyes. Then, I left home for college.   

 

I kept in touch with my parents while in college. I told them that I had a band called 'Ilumene.'  We played music together and joined a competition. After some time, I fell for the bassist, and he felt the same. We talked it over and decided not to continue our feelings since we have different religious beliefs. My parents knew about this too. Later, unexpectedly, the singer was flirting with me, although he had a girlfriend. I found him attractive, but I did not want to be a side chick. In short, he broke up with his girlfriend and asked me out. Sorry, but I did not want to be a rebound either. I said, 'No!' every time he asked. Besides, he was known as a playboy. Even my parents did a background check on him and warned me not to date him. My conscience also told me it was risky to go on with him. Still, as the old saying goes, 'Love is Blind.' I was not bothered by his playboy reputation; his background did not matter to me either. I denied my own conscience. So, it goes - I dated him eventually.

 

He was my first boyfriend. In the beginning, our relationship was a secret dating. I did not tell my parents about it since they kept telling me to stay away from him. My friends gave me the side eyes and urged me that I deserved someone better than him. Surprisingly, I did not budge.  Shortly after, I decided to tell my parents. I could not keep hiding it from them. I left them a handwritten letter because I was too scared and very nervous to say to them. Later in my life, my parents told me that they were bewildered by my action. I used to call or talk to them in person, and out of sudden, they had to read 2 pages 'approval request' letter (haha). It seems I had fallen madly in love with him. Even if the world was against me, I was devoted to him. What a great determination! I could not tell what got into me. My parents let me have this relationship with a heavy heart. 

 

I started living with him. On the outside, I was a high-flyer. I got a merit scholarship for having a high GPA, and I was the president of the faculty club. On the inside, I was rotting. I had my plate full, but I would still make time for him. When he was in a financial crisis, I took my scholarship to pay his tuition for one semester. Another semester, I went as far as to lie to my dad that my laboratory work was overbudget, and I asked him for money. I started drinking and overdid it with risky cocktails. I started watching porn, and for the first time, I knew the term masturbation. My life was a complete mess, and it served me right—a young woman who was once as good as gold had been tainted. Oh, I acted still like a little angel in front of my parents.          

 

I was in an on and off relationship with him. There are a lot of reasons behind it. All boiled down to our immaturities. Even 'immature' is not the right word to describe me. I was conceited and self-righteous. At long last, I felt myself plunging into a downward spiral. I heard from my friends that he had an affair. Didn't I tell you that I was not bothered with his playboy reputation? I did not believe it if I did not see it myself. However, the rumor never ceased. It kept coming back. Up to this point, I should probably analyze how many affairs he had that time, but I did not. The more I heard about it, the more I tried to keep him to myself. I wanted to stay committed to my decisions walking through life with him. I went out of my way to spend time with him. My routine and schedules were disrupted. I got a C in inorganic chemistry (haha). I stopped talking to my friends since I did not want to hear any rumors. I gave myself over to him. I lost myself for the sake of not losing him. I only stopped dead in my tracks just before my graduation ceremony.

 

I was close to Pak Agung, one of the chemist’s assistants in my faculty. I met him in a laboratory and out of the blue he said that he saw my boyfriend walking with another girl earlier that day near a college cafeteria. I still thought she must be his friend. Later that day, I went to his place without telling him beforehand. If I met him, then I would spend time with him. I would do something else if he was not there. Guess what I found. He was in his room with another girl. I was stunned. I did not say a word, but my soul screamed, 'Enough!' I turned my back on him and never went back. The last time I met him was 7 years ago. 

 

People may say first love is sweet and innocent and pure and carefree. My first love is full of bitter memories. I will not deny that I might feel in love at that time, but right now, I cannot remember a single fond memory of a happy relationship with him. This is, indeed, a painful past for me. At the same time, this is my great life message. Even if I could turn back time, I would do the same thing. It was me who decided to have a relationship with him. It was me who chose to press on. I push… and I push… and I push some more. It was me who did not listen to my parents and my friends, not even to my own conscience. So, who am I to complain? This is my growth for being a human. That young woman who was stern and stiff has learned to be open-minded and tolerant. Recently, I shared this story with my friends, Peter and Ayesha, and they comforted me, 'Remember how beautiful your heart is, though you cannot forget how deep you fell.'

 

Pay attention to what your father and mother tell you.

Get all the advice you can, and you will succeed; without it you will fail. 

Proverbs 1:8, 15:22 (GNT)