Am I Asking for the Moon?

I came across an article on LinkedIn by Kara Woods Hamilton, entitled Don’t Aim for Work-Life Balance. Aim for Work-Life Fulfillment, which pierced my heart. In my reflection, I sought work-life balance, but allocating hours equally across both would not guarantee their fulfillments. I may have the hours to give myself to my family, friends, interests, and hobbies, but I only have a limited amount of energy. I have the feeling that I am compromising my ‘personal life’ for my ‘work life’. I am not sure whether my job play to my passions. To put it aside, I am not even certain what passion is. I can do the job well, but I leave the office drained.

When I looked back over my life, I chose engineering as my career path because it might pay me well. That’s the only reason I can remember. Luckily, I could manage to do it. I was in the science class during my high school, continued in chemistry for my bachelor, got scholarship for master’s degree in chemical engineering, and now, here I am, a PhD researcher in material and science engineering. Then, do I want to be a lecture and continue in an academic career? That’s a common question for me, when people know I am taking a PhD. Unfortunately, my answer has been, No. I am not even chasing a PhD degree in the first place. I would not accept this position if it did not pay me. For you who long for a PhD position and have an interest in an academic career, I can understand if you hate me to the core. As I said before, I may be able to teach well, I know the basic of pedagogy, and my friends said I can explain complicated matters in easy ways, but I believe teaching is a heart work. A remark from Aristotle, ‘Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.’ So, tell me, how can I educate the heart without giving my heart out? and so far, whenever I shared this story to a friend, s/he normally scolded me for being ungrateful.  

Deep in my heart, I am filled with gratitude for these opportunities in my life. I am not always be the brightest lightbulb, yet I have a chance to get a PhD degree. Never, even once in my early life, that I went abroad. Not even to the neighboring countries. Now, I am in Stockholm, and I can travel around within the European Union with my Schengen Visa. I may be considered having a fat paycheck too, though a higher salary does not trump working at a place with greater opportunity to advance to the next level.

              

When my supervisor asked me to work during my sick leave (Am I a Fool?), I started thinking my worth. There is so much more to life than work and money. At that time, I had a hearing disorder, which made me not being able to play keyboard. The melody that never failed to soothe my heart turned to a great pain in my ears and head. I felt destroyed. I did not even consider about work and money. I only wished to get healthy, so that I would be able to play keyboard again.

  

Once I get back on my feet, not only I can enjoy playing keyboard again, but also, I found My Love for a Violin. I never knew that a feeling like this could exist in this world. By the time I love playing a violin, I discover that I love playing a piano. Although, I learned to play an organ in the beginning and keyboard later in my life, I realize they are not my things. I am not into pop, dangdut, and keroncong (local music in Indonesia), as my dad forced me to play, not even a music church too. I can say that I like solo, duet, and ensemble performances in classical music. I never knew, because I lack exposure to these shows before. So, this is another thing that I should be grateful of for being where I am today. 

On the other hand, when I tasted the overwhelming feeling of what people called passion, I started questioning myself on what I am doing now and observing people around me. Personally, I do not want to call my interests in playing violin and piano as my passions yet. It is true that I never felt these challenging and exciting feelings before, but I never forget that sometimes feeling is deceptive.

I have a high regard for people who genuinely declare their love for the jobs they have. My co-supervisor is one of them. Recently, he is appointed as a dean for my school. He accepts the position, but he also said he is sad because he needs to give up some teachings. I can sense that he loves teaching so much. He is a person who puts his heart into his job.

A friend of mine likes to read a scientific paper in her free time, even before bed. I know, this is unbelievable. If this is not nerd enough, I met someone who wants to quantify and make a mathematical equation on how a fashion style could affect physical appearances. Another friend has high determination to be a professor. How fascinating! For me, these traits simply show their love for science in whatever their research fields are. They do it because they enjoy it. It may be nerd for me, but not for them. It’s their passion.

I cannot tell if my job is my passion. The situation seems complicated to me. I lose my heart at work, while I was euphoric when I got a distinction in a violin exam. I am apathetic when my manuscript has been published, but I get so excited when I play violin with a piano accompaniment. Frankly, I cannot find a sense of fulfillment in my job. I feel like I am going through the motions and coasting along. Since I am good at maintaining a routine, a job can always be done whether I put my heart into it or not. I know how to plan and most of the time I always know what to work on when I wake up in the morning. Yet, I want to find something that doesn’t seem like work for me, even though it seems like work to other people. Something that can excite me, and I cannot restraint to go to a great extent. Something that engages my mind, feeds my heart, and fuels my souls, making a meaningful and fulfilling life. Am I asking for the moon?

To have a rich and satisfying life

(John 10:10b, NLT, author’s modify)