I Thought I Chose The Surest Road

Ellen Moran, a writer in Bitesize Bio, a knowledge-sharing platform that concerns Bioscientists in the lab, wrote about a variety of reasons people pursue PhDs: some know from the start that they want to run labs at a university, some feel pressured to go for the top degree in their field, some see it as a natural progression after receiving their masters, and some continue on because they just don’t know what to do next. Which side I am on? None of them (haha). I am confident in my own decisions. I esteem people’s outlooks without looking for their approval for everything. At that time, I was thinking a PhD is a reasonable advancement for my research topic until I changed my mind as the time passed. Here is the story.

I was working on waste recovery, particular of which for converting waste plastics into fuel oils, as my project for getting a master degree in the University of Leeds. I have the forethought to put the research into action. You get it, don’t you. The things like establishing waste management plants, hiring workers, creating cash in- and outflow, having corporate hierarchy, and so on. The research went very well. It’s just one day I realized that it was not enough. I still did the research in the laboratory. It hasn’t been performed in society. I have to do something, I thought. Then, I decided to continue with PhD degree. Guess what, I got accepted. A PhD position was in my hand.

Later, I found another enlightenment. I enjoyed doing the research in the University of Leeds, nevertheless, I feel that it was not like what I meant to be. Furthermore, there are lots of research about waste to energy, but only few with real implementation. Thus, I came up with a hypothesis that there may be lack of leverage for deploying the system. Knowing there is no kind of that research theme in the University of Leeds, I tried to apply to the University of Manchester. Once I thought it might be in the Business School, but then I found a suitable research group for that topic in Chemical Engineering Department. Thank goodness! I was so excited. My confident for pursuing a PhD increased when I got a letter of acceptance from the University of Manchester. In addition, I was able to settle down in Manchester. I almost gave up for finding an accommodation there, but, again, the universe seemed on my side. Finally, I had a house and 2 flatmates. No wonder I had no doubt for signing a year rent contract for the house. This must be the way for me, I said that to myself. Next, dealing with the formalities required by my former sponsor.

After a tense negotiation, sadly, my former sponsor won’t support me for PhD since I don’t have a working experience yet. I was like being struck by thunderbolt. Did I complain to The Navigator? Yes I did. I opened my mouth to protest Him. Though I tried to find other scholarships, it was in vain. Losing a scholarships meant draining my savings and dad’s because I have to pay the rent for the house in full. I flight back home to Indonesia broke.

It took so long before I accepted this situation. It’s funny how the award certificate for a master degree could mean nothing for me. How ungrateful I was. I was so blind without knowing something better awaits for me. I was aware that the best thing I can do is put my trust in The Navigator. As I calmed myself down into submission, I read a taoist proverb, as I look on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better. It was right! After all, I get a PhD position anyway (haha) and what make it better, I get paid for conducting the research. You may read: Next Stop, Sweden! So, for me, pursuing a PhD is not because I want to run labs at university or I don’t know what to do next, yet it is seeking and fulfilling the divine alignment in my life while opening the door to a better way of thinking.

   

The song by David Campbell from the album Joseph: King of Dreams may represent what I’ve been through and learned.

I thought I did what’s right

I thought I had the answers

I thought I chose the surest road

But that road brought me here

So I put up a fight

And told you how to help me

Now just when I have given up

The truth is coming clear

If this has been a test

I cannot see the reason

But maybe knowing I don’t know

Is part of getting through

I tried to do what’s best

But Faith has made it easy

To see the best thing I can do

Is put my trust in You

You know better than I

You know the way

I’ve let go the need to know why

For You know better than I

(I’ll take what answers you supply

For You know better than I)